Betrayed by the one i love

yes, i been betrayed by the one i love.
He and i been married for 15 yrs, and dated for two.
He has hurt me, by going behind my back to look at porn, and visited them.
I caught him twice.
The first time in the second year of our marriage, and than 13 yrs later, i caught him again.
THis time he is visiting adult dating sites.. and Girls were sending him notes, do u want to meet? they live here in SA.. I may not know how long this was going on.. I was told he was seeing a call girl.. the call girl denied it..
Its hard to trust someone, who hide things from me.. The skype accounts he had, never told me about. he hid his email accounts from me, till i found them.. He hid things about his coworkers, never telling me about why he and Wendy had their arm around eachother. HMMMMMMMMMMMM....
Well there was the private caller, who called him.. She also hung up on me several times.
She called him once he return from his training for deployment, and she called him in CA..
He denied the calls and said i was the one calling him private. Well nope! i never called him private or unknown..
All these games were just hurtful, and left me wondering who he had in his life.
Was he really in love someone else ? i was told by a man of God , YOU CANT LOVE Two WOMEN... WHAT?? two women... this came to me a SHOCK!!!!!!!
the private caller.........................who was she? he denied that he knew her.............
yet she was calling him..: (
i am still waiting for a confession.................a heart confession............................
oh and he lied about the burger and beer.. he got a burger at kakoree, in training,, ,not the first night we arged, he went to the bar....than two days later went to get a reciept, to say he was there the first NIGHT.. DECIET... LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So much!!

My Fault

Is it my fault? is everything my fault? i am always beening blamed.. Being told look at the way you treat me? what? i am the bad guy? what? how did i become this bad guy? the one who wanted love all long.. The one who tried to love you.. I tried to care about YOU, and take care of our kids, our home, and yet You put me down... call me names, and hurt me.. You punish me by taking away your love.. Love me when you feel like it. When you want to.. when i done something wrong, you with hold love from me.. You my husband dont hold me or console me when i hurt, and ache. Leaveing me to feeling hurt, and down..
You have left me to go and be with your friends. You had gone to the bar even if i didnot want you to go, you went anyway. YOu come home with a hickey on your chest. You kept it hidden from me.. WHY? what you got to hide?
How is this all my fault?? how is this my fault? the porn, the naked pics that you viewed, i suppose that is my fault too. Why is that i am being blamed for something I never wanted..
I didnot want to be mistreated.. i just wanted love... what happen to that???
why is it my fault??? sure i cried, and yelled, and hurt, cry.. Sure I overreacted cause i was SO HURT ,,,, I WAS so HURT..................................
But i am being blamed for this all??????????????????

I am up late

I am up late again.. Trying to find peace, and trying to find rest.
I been so torn down inside , my heart.. I still pray, and seek God..
I still go to Church, almost quit, but a friend push and push me to go..
She is my lifesaver.. She is a blessing to Me.. She is such an angel,,, a messenger from God.. She is really is.. and her mom too..............

I am here listening to music, trying to find some kind of peace in my home.
I want someone to come in and rescue me, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! save me!!!!!!
i just want to hide and run, when i feel pain.. I like to jump in my yukon, and drive, and run!! i want to run, and usally i run to God, please help me, take this pain, please, GOd... I cant take it anymore.. Please take my life is what I pray...
Long story, but the pain i experience is too much for me.. I still HOLD on to God, and he is holding on to me..
He is says i am a princess, GOd says i am vicorious, and that i am a mighty warrior and I am conqueror in Christ Jesus.
God send me someone who will protect me, please!!!!!!!!!please send me that man who will protect me , please................someone who will pray for me, and tell the devil to back off.. I still wait for him, please hurry up, help me, or just pray for me.
I run to God, shelter me, please...................Take this from me, and give me love, but please dont make me return home.. Please................God,
where do i go? do i have to leave the Church, please dont make me go............
Please keep me here, longer.. Please God, i dont want to go HOME!
Please God, protect my kids, and me! please dont let the enemy beat me, please dont allow my husband to put me down, or hurt me anymore... Please God help me to find my peace, and shelter.. God pray for me, help me to know you and your word more... NOONE understands till they actually been in my shoes.......................
GOD BLESS

My Heart been Broken

Hello
Well i am gonna talk about my broken heart. It has broken in million pieces, i dont know if ican stand another heart broke. I been praying, and praying, yet i am still married. I dont know how to get out. I am stuck. I been hurt so much, i dont think i can take anymore pain. I dont have a job, and not sure what to do.
Sometimes it seem ok in the marriage, and than something happens, and boom, there it is again..
I been mental abuse, emotional abuse, and physicial abuse.. He doesnot realize the physical abuse. But they say mental abuse takes longer to heal. Being put down,or criticize is harder, and name calling does hurt your self image, self esteem.
I am thinking to myself, i am not worthy, and not good enough to live.
I often thinking of dieing. But my faith in God has helped me to try to NOT think that way.
I hurt so bad, i want to just go home to heaven.
I missed my brother, and had given him up, but I put him back into my life, cause he CARES ABOUT ME.. (like a dad is supose to be..)
Noone knows about my pain, my hurt, depression.
Only GOd knows. I think he allowed a few close friends to me, to see what i am going though. They know and pray for me at church, and help me, etc.
One friend actually saved my life, she doesnot realized how she helped me.
I was thinking of sucide often, after being hurt by my husband, I got behind the wheel, and was feeling down and depressed but God has steelered me out of the way of the car that almost hit me ahead on, so it was close but i know GOd was watching out for me. God actually sent me a Messenger to be with me, and she has been a LIFESAFER.. Many times I thought of ending my life, cause of the DEEP pain in my heart, that creeped into my soul, that I WANTED TO GIVE UP..
I didnot know a person can hurt so Bad... I didnot know a person i love can cause me so much pain... I built walls up around my heart, cause i am afraid to hurt again.. I want out, even though i knew once I loved my husband, and i have mixed emotions about how i really feel... i think i love cause of the kids, but than part of me is like do i really love someone who hurts me this way, or acts this way? do i love this person who abandons me or injures me with his words. Do i really love the way he says things goes against my faith? I just dont know anymore... I have tried and prayed, and prayed, it has always been me trying..
He doesnot try.. not much, sometimes he did...
Ok, i said alot, gonna pray about it.. If you need help and youre in abuse relationship, seek help, talk to women who have been though, and pray, and seek GOd, he will help you. I am calling on GOd to help me and heal my brokeness..
I hope to find my way back..............................THanks

Be True

This blog is about Be True. Be true to the one you love, be faithful..
Be faithful by your actions, your eyes and words.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it should be treasured.
Marriage is a union of two in love, and share in love, friendship, and faithfulness.
Being true to your loving vows. Being true to your spouse cause You love your spouse.
Being kind, gentle, show to anger, and treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.
Remember to forgive always.. Cause in times in marriage, can be stressful, but With GOd, you can get along, love eachother, keep your spouse in mind..
Be True, is not cheat.. BUT respect the one you Love..
Having them in your heart, and treasuring them always.
meaning He is your heart, and she is your queen.
Always showing love, and kindness to the one you love........
Love is meant to be true, for two, who care about eachother..

Keep being True to the one you love, by your love, actions, and words...
KEEP love in your heart for always!!

texting

hi
I am addicting to texting. Need to cut back, and do more things to stay busy.
Need to pray more for one. Need to read more the bible.
Need to clean house and wash clothes, and praise God more
1. Praise God
2, Pray more
3. Read the Bible
4. Clean house,
5Wash clothes

6, Go to church,,,
7.... More FB, more Blogging, and More Loving People with the Love of God.............
God is good, he is, awesome, Need to do Gods will in my life
His will be done in my life

Lord i come to you,
asking you to help me to not text as much, but to be more productive in my life, your will be done in my life, show me your will for my life, show me Lord your will each day, i trust in you God, for everything.. in your name Jesus I pray amen

Be Holy.. do what is right

I long to be holy, and to do what is right. I long to be true, and faithful to God, in all i do. I pray , only pray for God to help me. To be right, to be true, holy, and righteouness woman. Not easy, i can tell you.. But prayer helps. Praying always helps. Cause i am asking God to help me.. So i can reach that goal..
Of being Holy, right, to do what is right..
God is in control, and i summit to Him, in alone, God is my help, my savior, and my strength.. He loves me...............................
Lord help me to be holy, to do what is right, help me to walk the walk, and follow you, on the narrow road, to be true, and faithful, and follow your commandments, in your name Jesus i pray amen