Betrayed by the one i love

yes, i been betrayed by the one i love.
He and i been married for 15 yrs, and dated for two.
He has hurt me, by going behind my back to look at porn, and visited them.
I caught him twice.
The first time in the second year of our marriage, and than 13 yrs later, i caught him again.
THis time he is visiting adult dating sites.. and Girls were sending him notes, do u want to meet? they live here in SA.. I may not know how long this was going on.. I was told he was seeing a call girl.. the call girl denied it..
Its hard to trust someone, who hide things from me.. The skype accounts he had, never told me about. he hid his email accounts from me, till i found them.. He hid things about his coworkers, never telling me about why he and Wendy had their arm around eachother. HMMMMMMMMMMMM....
Well there was the private caller, who called him.. She also hung up on me several times.
She called him once he return from his training for deployment, and she called him in CA..
He denied the calls and said i was the one calling him private. Well nope! i never called him private or unknown..
All these games were just hurtful, and left me wondering who he had in his life.
Was he really in love someone else ? i was told by a man of God , YOU CANT LOVE Two WOMEN... WHAT?? two women... this came to me a SHOCK!!!!!!!
the private caller.........................who was she? he denied that he knew her.............
yet she was calling him..: (
i am still waiting for a confession.................a heart confession............................
oh and he lied about the burger and beer.. he got a burger at kakoree, in training,, ,not the first night we arged, he went to the bar....than two days later went to get a reciept, to say he was there the first NIGHT.. DECIET... LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So much!!

My Fault

Is it my fault? is everything my fault? i am always beening blamed.. Being told look at the way you treat me? what? i am the bad guy? what? how did i become this bad guy? the one who wanted love all long.. The one who tried to love you.. I tried to care about YOU, and take care of our kids, our home, and yet You put me down... call me names, and hurt me.. You punish me by taking away your love.. Love me when you feel like it. When you want to.. when i done something wrong, you with hold love from me.. You my husband dont hold me or console me when i hurt, and ache. Leaveing me to feeling hurt, and down..
You have left me to go and be with your friends. You had gone to the bar even if i didnot want you to go, you went anyway. YOu come home with a hickey on your chest. You kept it hidden from me.. WHY? what you got to hide?
How is this all my fault?? how is this my fault? the porn, the naked pics that you viewed, i suppose that is my fault too. Why is that i am being blamed for something I never wanted..
I didnot want to be mistreated.. i just wanted love... what happen to that???
why is it my fault??? sure i cried, and yelled, and hurt, cry.. Sure I overreacted cause i was SO HURT ,,,, I WAS so HURT..................................
But i am being blamed for this all??????????????????

I am up late

I am up late again.. Trying to find peace, and trying to find rest.
I been so torn down inside , my heart.. I still pray, and seek God..
I still go to Church, almost quit, but a friend push and push me to go..
She is my lifesaver.. She is a blessing to Me.. She is such an angel,,, a messenger from God.. She is really is.. and her mom too..............

I am here listening to music, trying to find some kind of peace in my home.
I want someone to come in and rescue me, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! save me!!!!!!
i just want to hide and run, when i feel pain.. I like to jump in my yukon, and drive, and run!! i want to run, and usally i run to God, please help me, take this pain, please, GOd... I cant take it anymore.. Please take my life is what I pray...
Long story, but the pain i experience is too much for me.. I still HOLD on to God, and he is holding on to me..
He is says i am a princess, GOd says i am vicorious, and that i am a mighty warrior and I am conqueror in Christ Jesus.
God send me someone who will protect me, please!!!!!!!!!please send me that man who will protect me , please................someone who will pray for me, and tell the devil to back off.. I still wait for him, please hurry up, help me, or just pray for me.
I run to God, shelter me, please...................Take this from me, and give me love, but please dont make me return home.. Please................God,
where do i go? do i have to leave the Church, please dont make me go............
Please keep me here, longer.. Please God, i dont want to go HOME!
Please God, protect my kids, and me! please dont let the enemy beat me, please dont allow my husband to put me down, or hurt me anymore... Please God help me to find my peace, and shelter.. God pray for me, help me to know you and your word more... NOONE understands till they actually been in my shoes.......................
GOD BLESS

My Heart been Broken

Hello
Well i am gonna talk about my broken heart. It has broken in million pieces, i dont know if ican stand another heart broke. I been praying, and praying, yet i am still married. I dont know how to get out. I am stuck. I been hurt so much, i dont think i can take anymore pain. I dont have a job, and not sure what to do.
Sometimes it seem ok in the marriage, and than something happens, and boom, there it is again..
I been mental abuse, emotional abuse, and physicial abuse.. He doesnot realize the physical abuse. But they say mental abuse takes longer to heal. Being put down,or criticize is harder, and name calling does hurt your self image, self esteem.
I am thinking to myself, i am not worthy, and not good enough to live.
I often thinking of dieing. But my faith in God has helped me to try to NOT think that way.
I hurt so bad, i want to just go home to heaven.
I missed my brother, and had given him up, but I put him back into my life, cause he CARES ABOUT ME.. (like a dad is supose to be..)
Noone knows about my pain, my hurt, depression.
Only GOd knows. I think he allowed a few close friends to me, to see what i am going though. They know and pray for me at church, and help me, etc.
One friend actually saved my life, she doesnot realized how she helped me.
I was thinking of sucide often, after being hurt by my husband, I got behind the wheel, and was feeling down and depressed but God has steelered me out of the way of the car that almost hit me ahead on, so it was close but i know GOd was watching out for me. God actually sent me a Messenger to be with me, and she has been a LIFESAFER.. Many times I thought of ending my life, cause of the DEEP pain in my heart, that creeped into my soul, that I WANTED TO GIVE UP..
I didnot know a person can hurt so Bad... I didnot know a person i love can cause me so much pain... I built walls up around my heart, cause i am afraid to hurt again.. I want out, even though i knew once I loved my husband, and i have mixed emotions about how i really feel... i think i love cause of the kids, but than part of me is like do i really love someone who hurts me this way, or acts this way? do i love this person who abandons me or injures me with his words. Do i really love the way he says things goes against my faith? I just dont know anymore... I have tried and prayed, and prayed, it has always been me trying..
He doesnot try.. not much, sometimes he did...
Ok, i said alot, gonna pray about it.. If you need help and youre in abuse relationship, seek help, talk to women who have been though, and pray, and seek GOd, he will help you. I am calling on GOd to help me and heal my brokeness..
I hope to find my way back..............................THanks

Be True

This blog is about Be True. Be true to the one you love, be faithful..
Be faithful by your actions, your eyes and words.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it should be treasured.
Marriage is a union of two in love, and share in love, friendship, and faithfulness.
Being true to your loving vows. Being true to your spouse cause You love your spouse.
Being kind, gentle, show to anger, and treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.
Remember to forgive always.. Cause in times in marriage, can be stressful, but With GOd, you can get along, love eachother, keep your spouse in mind..
Be True, is not cheat.. BUT respect the one you Love..
Having them in your heart, and treasuring them always.
meaning He is your heart, and she is your queen.
Always showing love, and kindness to the one you love........
Love is meant to be true, for two, who care about eachother..

Keep being True to the one you love, by your love, actions, and words...
KEEP love in your heart for always!!

texting

hi
I am addicting to texting. Need to cut back, and do more things to stay busy.
Need to pray more for one. Need to read more the bible.
Need to clean house and wash clothes, and praise God more
1. Praise God
2, Pray more
3. Read the Bible
4. Clean house,
5Wash clothes

6, Go to church,,,
7.... More FB, more Blogging, and More Loving People with the Love of God.............
God is good, he is, awesome, Need to do Gods will in my life
His will be done in my life

Lord i come to you,
asking you to help me to not text as much, but to be more productive in my life, your will be done in my life, show me your will for my life, show me Lord your will each day, i trust in you God, for everything.. in your name Jesus I pray amen

Be Holy.. do what is right

I long to be holy, and to do what is right. I long to be true, and faithful to God, in all i do. I pray , only pray for God to help me. To be right, to be true, holy, and righteouness woman. Not easy, i can tell you.. But prayer helps. Praying always helps. Cause i am asking God to help me.. So i can reach that goal..
Of being Holy, right, to do what is right..
God is in control, and i summit to Him, in alone, God is my help, my savior, and my strength.. He loves me...............................
Lord help me to be holy, to do what is right, help me to walk the walk, and follow you, on the narrow road, to be true, and faithful, and follow your commandments, in your name Jesus i pray amen

a friend

He is a friend, who has faith in God, i am so proud of him.
I am so happy he is putting God first. He is praying and going to Church.
Awesome.. We should always praise God, and worship God.
God loves the praises of his people..
Keep praying, keep singing, and keep looking to God, he will lead you closer to Him.

We should all pray to God, seek God, and pray, and go to church, any church, to learn about God, and pray, etc..

Lord bless my friend, with wisdom, and guide him closer to you Jesus, be with him, protect him, and his child, and keep them forever in your hands, in your name Jesus i pray amen

Keeping Going

Well this blog is about Keeping Going.
Not sure what the future holds for me. Only know that God is in it. God is for you, who can be against you.. God is on my side, and he is my help and I need God more now, always have.
I am not looking to be in love, but to be loved by God, he loves ME.
Sure love is great, when you find it. When you have it, and treasure it.

I am in love with God, and Jesus is my life, my savior, and my God..

He is my strength, the Joy of the Lord is my strength.

Come Forth

Today went well,
I went to Church, it was awesome., They were playing a video on Jesus, when he was being nailed to the cross, and how he loves us. I just cried, and cried, let the tears come, and wash me of my hurts. This Jesus, loves me so much, even when people let you down. God will never let you down. I been let down so many times. I lost count.

Today they talked about Come forth. I want to go forward, and be free from bondages. the bondages of depression, bondages of loniness,sadness, emptiness, debt, etc.
God can set me free from this. Only in God can i be free. Only in God can i be happy.
he is my all, even when i am down and out, he loves me.
He loves me when my own man doesnot show it. God loves me.

My life has bought me so much pain and hurt, but i learn alot.
To never trust man but to trust God.. God will never fail you, man will fail you.
Man will let you down. But God will never do that.
His love makes up for all the hurts in my life.
Only in God is my life is secure. He is my Hope and joy.
Again sharing about God, how he loves, and his love is better.
Keep looking to God who can help you, heal your hurts, and love better.
I will keep praying!

Changes do they last?

Well things were changing here, hubby was kissing me and holding me more. He was being nice, and sweet. I thought wow, finally, what i been wanting.. But i was still hurt from learning that he has been flirting with the girls at his job. So now he is acting all nice, kind and sweet.. Kissing me, and huggging me, i am so pressed.

Well guess what, he got a new phone, and his texts went up to 9. I only got six from him. So i guess i made a comment that upset him, and now he is mad at me, angry at me. I apolgized, but now all those kisses and hugs arenot gonna come to me. :(

It didnot last long. Now he is mad at me again. I dont know what happen to those extra texts. What do u think happen? i have 19 all together, between him and me. He sent me only six.. He is upset. So do u think he knows where those texts went?

Hope the past doesnot repeat itself. Where i had thought he was texting someone, and the texts were going up. His excuse the texts are going up, and i cant explain it!

Again we were talking and sharing, kissing and hugging, and opening up, we hadnot been doing that often. Now i wonder if he got mad over a comment cause i notice the extra texts he used.. Now he is not gonna be close or talking or kissing me..
those changes didnot last. So sad.. I knew it wouldnot last..
He worries about me leaving.. I worry about when he will be angry at me..
so much for kissing and hugs, i guess i wont be getting them..

My Mistakes ,my troubles

Today been a better day. Or Should I say yesterday. I had so much troubles, so much that bother me, things that bother me. What was bothering me, things, troubles, worries, and I was so concern about this. Things from my past just held me captive, and prisoner, i couldnot be happy, i couldnot go forward. Yet with Gods help i can. I still stuggle but I am not bad, Leaning on God. Praying to Him. Hoping he will help me though, and get rid of the troubles, stuggles I go though. No more worries, no more concerns, and no more addictions..I am ready tobe free, and want in freedom, and in his peace.
I have to admit i have made mistakes in the past, that i felt held me back from going forward.
I was addicted to calling pyschics. I wanted to know something that bother me, and i was determine to find out answers, and need to know.. Yet when i called them, i got all kind of answers, and some things I didnot like! I tell you what, it just wasnot all good at all. It left me confused, and worried, and concern. I stuggled with this addiction to call them, and those concerns seem to overwhelm me, and i couldnot get free. I tell you, big mistake to get started, and involved in this. What i didnot know , was I was getting involved in the Occult.
It was a trap, or something that kept me back and i wasnot going forward.
So yes i repented, and prayed and renounce the devil, etc.
Cause i felt troubled and oppressed by the devil, and i hated that! i wanted peace, Gods peace, and going to this direction, caused me PROBLEMS.. Major probelms in my marriage,
it was opening doors to the enemy, and things were wrong.. I had to repent and pray, and pray and still pray. I tell you you cant trust them, you need to trust GOd.. I have to admit
i was wrong to go there, to go to pyhsics, i wasnot trusting God, and i wonder why i was having so much problems. I wonder why i was falling into sin, and troubles.. So i have to say, to those who go to mediums, pyhsics, dont go there! Dont listen to them, cause not everything they say will come true.. We arenot suppose to put trust in them, i made mistakes in trusting them, and realized later how wrong i was to do this.. We should be trusting God.. Only GOd knows.. I wasnot going to them to know my future.. I read bible verse, that really convince me that God doesnot want us to know our future.. The thing is that I wanted to know the past... The past... Yes the past.. Well again i did wrong, and repent and need to pray off all those negative things spoke..
Either way i am glad to admit that i was wrong, and i did make mistakes, and that going there is not the answer and the thing to do.. Only God can help us though our probelms, and he can give us the best answer of all, and he can be the only one to bring peace.. Noone else can..

Keeping the Peace

hello,
Today i wanted to talk about Keeping the peace. That is something hard to do. I am still learning and trying to keep the peace. Sometimes I can talk about things that upsets the hubby. Itis hard cause I dont mean to. Just that I have something on my mind, or on my heart. Just cant help myself. Sometimes it is better for me to forget, or forgive, or both. Letting it go, and not bringing it up. Its not like i am gonna get answers. What do u do when you dont have the answers? Yet you wonder. You wonder what happen? is there something he is not telling me.
But again I need to keep the peace, and just let by gone be gone. It is hard. Forgetting, and yet you dont know the truth. This is where I have to give it to God, this sitation, this problem. I cant handle it, and cant get the answers I am looking for. Or maybe it is nothing. This is where I need to surrender to God, take this problem I cant seem to let go of, help me let go, and keep the peace between my hubby and me. Sometimes letting go is hard. So i am trying to keep the peace, and be quiet, and let go, and give it to God. Plus i have to remember to NOT bring it Up.
But sometimes I cant help myself, haha.. oh well!!
how do u keep the peace? how do u let go? I am gonna pray and talk to God about it, and ask him to help me to keep the peace.. Lord make me a peacemaker.............
be blessed

Are you living life to the fullest?

Hello
Been cleaning up the house. I sleep during the days and stay up at nights. Strange I know, but i have adapted to this lifestyle. I want to experience life in this odd way. My dh works nights and sleeps during the day. I want to experience that kind of marriage, to where we can sleep together. There were times in our lives, we didnot have that. I want to be up when he is up, and i want to be sleeping when he is. Sometimes I will sleep a few hours at night but not much, cause I want to share in that waking up next to him. Life is too short, and i want to wake up to my Love, my hubby.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about, are you living life to the fullest? are you happy? are you okay with your life? do u feel down? do u get sad? Sometimes life can be hard, or can be things that bring us down, like depression, life issues, marriage problems, you name it.
But there is someone who cares to help us out. There is someone who can give us the advice, the help, the wisdom in every sitation. There is someone who cares enough about our troubles, our problems. Maybe you are happy, but hadnot gotten to know that Someone I speak of.

He is caring and loving God.. God loves us so much, even when our own love ones let us down, or times we are hurt, he is there to pick us up, and there to care for us. He can provide for us, the answers, and help we need in daily life. In this life, in Jesus, we can share a peace God can bring to us, when we invited him into our lives. We can share in the joy, happiness in our lives, and experience Life to the fullest. Sure we will have troubles, and problems, but someone can get us though it,no matter what it is, He can help. Gods does and will move the sitation to a better sitation, bring peace, and love, and so much more.. He has the answer, and knows how to help us..
Do you know Him? Invite him into your life, today,
Say this prayer of salvation,
Dear Lord Jesus,
thank you for dying on the cross for me, and
please forgive me for my sins, come into my heart and
be the Lord and Savior of my Life, help me to walk with
you, and live every day for You, thankyou,
In your name Jesus i pray amen
Congrats you just became part of the Body of Christ.. Tell someone about it, and
to grow in your walk, here are some things to help you, Find you a good BIble Church, prayer, talking to God, fellowship with other Christians, and reading your bible, so you can get to know GOd, etc.. Praise God for you, inviting Jesus into your Life, he will never leave you or forsake you, cause he LOVES you..
Be blessed

Hello.. New blogger here..

Hi
I am so excited about blogging, and sharing what is on my mind and heart.
I am new. My blog is called Are you living life to the fullest? How i will share
my thoughts, my concerns, anything that is on my heart.
I am excited about this. Looking forward to sharing..

I am called Running...........:) Be blessed ,,, see you soon........